2725 lines
40 KiB
HTML
2725 lines
40 KiB
HTML
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<meta name="description" content="Raphaël a deux ensembles de costume dans son placard, un bleu marine pour les mariages, et un noir pour les enterrements. Ce matin, il sort le noir et le pose sur la chaise qui est à côté de son lit, rendue invisible par la couche de vêtements à moitié portés, ni propres, ni sales, qu’il y dépose tous les soirs." />
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<meta property="og:description" content="Raphaël a deux ensembles de costume dans son placard, un bleu marine pour les mariages, et un noir pour les enterrements. Ce matin, il sort le noir et le pose sur la chaise qui est à côté de son lit, rendue invisible par la couche de vêtements à moitié portés, ni propres, ni sales, qu’il y dépose tous les soirs." />
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<title>Enterrements | Quinn's Bookshelf
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<body>
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<p class="site-subtitle fst-italic mb-0">A blog about writing, mental health and other LGBTQ+ things</p>
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<h1 data-toc-skip>Enterrements</h1>
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Posted
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Mar 11, 2024
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<div class="mt-3 mb-3">
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<a href="/assets/img/enterrements.jpg" class="popup img-link preview-img shimmer"><img src="/assets/img/enterrements.jpg" alt="Image en noir et blanc de nombreux parapluies devant une église." width="1200" height="630" loading="lazy"></a><figcaption class="text-center pt-2 pb-2">Image en noir et blanc de nombreux parapluies devant une église.</figcaption></div>
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By
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<em>
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Quinn Morrigan
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</em>
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title="980 words"
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>
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<em>5 min</em> read</span>
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</header>
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<div class="content">
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<p>Raphaël a deux ensembles de costume dans son placard, un bleu marine pour les mariages, et un noir pour les enterrements. Ce matin, il sort le noir et le pose sur la chaise qui est à côté de son lit, rendue invisible par la couche de vêtements à moitié portés, ni propres, ni sales, qu’il y dépose tous les soirs.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>Il soupire en se regardant dans le miroir, et passe machinalement sa main dans ses cheveux bruns, entre lesquels commencent à apparaître quelques cheveux gris, d’un geste qui le rassure mais ne change rien à sa coiffure. Il commence à retirer la chemise du cintre quand son teléphone se met à vibrer.</p>
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<p><em>Nathalie :</em> Maman a invité Astrid, je n’ai pas pu l’en empêcher, désolée. Tu sais comment elle est.</p>
|
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|
||
<p>Il répond par un simple “Ok”. Il sait que sa soeur ne se rend jamais compte qu’il répond “Ok” dans le but de couper court à la conversation, et qu’elle ne s’en formalisera pas. Il aimerait qu’elle s’en rende compte, parfois, quand il n’a pas envie de lui parler mais qu’il n’ose pas le lui dire. Il se sent toujours obligé de répondre, alors il dit “Ok”. Cette fois non plus, elle n’a pas compris.</p>
|
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|
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<p><em>Nathalie :</em> Est-ce que tu l’as revue depuis le divorce ?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>Il laisse retomber le téléphone, et boutonne sa chemise en soupirant. Il tourne le regard vers le lit encore défait, et derrière lui la vue sur les toits de Paris. Il reste là sans bouger, les sourcils froncés comme s’il avait oublié ce qu’il était en train de faire. Et puis une voix l’appelle de la cuisine.</p>
|
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|
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<p>“Raphaël, tu dois partir à quelle heure ?”</p>
|
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|
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<p>Sami s’appuie sur l’embrasure de la porte, encore en caleçon, une tasse de café à la main.</p>
|
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<p>“Dans 10 minutes, répond Raphaël. Mais je ne sais pas si j’ai envie d’y aller.”</p>
|
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|
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<p>Sami hausse les sourcils d’un air interrogateur.</p>
|
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|
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<p>“Apparemment, ma mère a invité Astrid. <br />
|
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— Je savais bien qu’il y avait quelque chose, répond Sami. <br />
|
||
— En même temps, je pouvais m’y attendre, elle va toujours à l’église avec sa mère tous les dimanches, comme quand on était petits, et le divorce n’a rien changé à ça. Elle doit sûrement jubiler de pouvoir me faire ça, amener mon ex-femme à l’enterrement de mon père, c’est sa vengeance pour avoir brisé ses rêves de petite famille parfaite, j’imagine.”</p>
|
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|
||
<p>Sami s’approche et le prend dans ses bras.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>“Je suis désolé…”</p>
|
||
|
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<p>Raphaël hausse les épaules.</p>
|
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|
||
<p>“Ça n’a rien à voir avec toi.”</p>
|
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|
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<p>Les yeux de Raphaël brillent un peu, et il se détourne.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>“Il faut que j’y aille.”</p>
|
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|
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<hr />
|
||
|
||
<p>Raphaël aimerait qu’il pleuve, pour pouvoir rester seul à broyer du noir sous son parapluie, mais la météo n’est pas de cet avis. Il n’y a qu’un lourd ciel gris éclairé par trop de soleil, qui lui fait plisser les yeux. Il s’engouffre dans l’église et s’asseoit en prenant un air recueilli, espérant que cela suffira à tenir les autres à l’écart. Mais à peine quelque secondes plus tard, il entend la voix de sa mère résonner entre les hauts murs de pierre. Il n’a jamais compris pourquoi elle parle aussi fort, partout, mais ça l’énerve d’autant plus dans les églises, et même lui qui n’y croit plus depuis longtemps, il respecte ça, alors, pourquoi est-ce qu’elle n’en est pas capable ?</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>Après tout, elle n’y croit peut-être pas plus que lui. Déjà quand il était enfant, et qu’ils étaient assis, Raphaël, sa mère, la meilleure amie de sa mère, et sa fille Astrid de l’autre côté, elles passaient tout le sermon à discuter, à commenter la vie des autres, et la forme comme le fond donnaient envie à Raphaël d’être ailleurs. Mais il se laissait traîner sans rien dire à l’église, et sa mère aimait se vanter d’avoir un garçon sage aux mêmes personnes qu’elle passait le sermon à critiquer. Finalement, Raphaël ne s’étonnait pas qu’après l’avoir entraîné à l’église tous les dimanches pendant 18 ans, sa mère ait réussi à le faire se marier avec Astrid. Ni qu’elle se soit tenue entre eux ensuite, comme elle en avait pris l’habitude pendant toutes ces années. Mais le mariage ne lui avait pas donné le répit qu’il espérait.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>Raphaël décide d’aller plus près de l’autel. Il ne reconnaît que trop tard la silhouette qui est assise au deuxième rang. Il s’apprête à se retourner en espérant qu’elle ne l’ait pas vu, quand Astrid se retourne. Quand leurs yeux se croisent, il n’y voit pas les émotions qu’il avait peur de voir, la colère, la douleur, le dégoût. Après tout ce temps, il y voit le même regard timide que lorsqu’ils étaient enfants. Le regard d’une amie. Et pour la première fois depuis le divorce, les mots réussissent finalement à sortir de sa bouche.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>“Je suis désolé…”</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>Astrid se décale et lui fait signe de s’asseoir à côté d’elle.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>“Ma mère m’a forcée à venir. Je crois qu’elle t’en veut plus que moi,” elle dit avec un sourire dont il ne saurait dire s’il est complice ou mélancolique.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>Il croise et décroise ses doigt avec nervosité.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>“Tu ne m’en veux pas ? il demande. <br />
|
||
— Je t’en ai voulu, oui, mais j’ai eu le temps d’y réfléchir. On ne s’était pas mariés pour les bonnes raisons. Je crois que ma mère était plus heureuse que moi le jour de mon mariage. Ça n’aurait pas marché de toutes façons.”</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>La mère de Raphaël s’approche, et il sent son regard dans son dos. Il lâche un soupir qu’il n’avait pas eu conscience de retenir, depuis longtemps, bien plus longtemps que ça.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>À sa droite, sa mère lui fait signe de se décaler pour lui laisser une place.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>“Je n’ai pas envie que tu t’asseyes à côté de moi aujourd’hui,” dit Raphaël.</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>Il se retourne vers Astrid et se laisse retomber contre le dossier en expirant longuement.</p>
|
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<a href="/categories/fran%C3%A7ais/">Français</a>,
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|
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|
||
|
||
<section>
|
||
<h2 class="panel-heading">Trending Tags</h2>
|
||
<div class="d-flex flex-wrap mt-3 mb-1 me-3">
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/emotions/">emotions</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/relations/">relations</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/genre/">genre</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/coming-out/">coming-out</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/journaling/">journaling</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/tech/">tech</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/lecture/">lecture</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/self-acceptance/">self-acceptance</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/writing/">writing</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/%C3%A9criture/">écriture</a>
|
||
|
||
</div>
|
||
</section>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</div>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
</aside>
|
||
</div>
|
||
|
||
<div class="row">
|
||
<!-- tail -->
|
||
<div id="tail-wrapper" class="col-12 col-lg-11 col-xl-9 px-md-4">
|
||
|
||
|
||
<!-- Recommend the other 3 posts according to the tags and categories of the current post. -->
|
||
|
||
<!-- The total size of related posts -->
|
||
|
||
|
||
<!-- An random integer that bigger than 0 -->
|
||
|
||
|
||
<!-- Equals to TAG_SCORE / {max_categories_hierarchy} -->
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
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|
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|
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|
||
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||
|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
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|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
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|
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|
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|
||
|
||
|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
||
|
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|
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|
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|
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|
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|
||
|
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|
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|
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|
||
|
||
|
||
|
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|
||
|
||
|
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|
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|
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|
||
|
||
|
||
|
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|
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|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<aside id="related-posts" aria-labelledby="related-label">
|
||
<h3 class="mb-4" id="related-label">Further Reading</h3>
|
||
<nav class="row row-cols-1 row-cols-md-2 row-cols-xl-3 g-4 mb-4">
|
||
|
||
<article class="col">
|
||
<a href="/posts/shame/" class="post-preview card h-100">
|
||
<div class="card-body">
|
||
<!--
|
||
Date format snippet
|
||
See: ${JS_ROOT}/utils/locale-dateime.js
|
||
-->
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<time
|
||
|
||
data-ts="1676034780"
|
||
data-df="ll"
|
||
|
||
>
|
||
Feb 10, 2023
|
||
</time>
|
||
|
||
<h4 class="pt-0 my-2">Why is no one talking about the shame?</h4>
|
||
<div class="text-muted">
|
||
<p>Shame is intertwined with my identity as a queer person. In this article I explore my own relationship with shame and pride in relation to my sexual orientation.</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</a>
|
||
</article>
|
||
|
||
<article class="col">
|
||
<a href="/posts/a-difficult-child/" class="post-preview card h-100">
|
||
<div class="card-body">
|
||
<!--
|
||
Date format snippet
|
||
See: ${JS_ROOT}/utils/locale-dateime.js
|
||
-->
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<time
|
||
|
||
data-ts="1669797900"
|
||
data-df="ll"
|
||
|
||
>
|
||
Nov 30, 2022
|
||
</time>
|
||
|
||
<h4 class="pt-0 my-2">A difficult child</h4>
|
||
<div class="text-muted">
|
||
<p>The other day, I bought some queer books, and I suddenly felt invincible. I wanted to shout how proud I was on the street while walking home. My heart burst out from love and kinship for my fellow ...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</a>
|
||
</article>
|
||
|
||
<article class="col">
|
||
<a href="/posts/killing-butterflies/" class="post-preview card h-100">
|
||
<div class="card-body">
|
||
<!--
|
||
Date format snippet
|
||
See: ${JS_ROOT}/utils/locale-dateime.js
|
||
-->
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<time
|
||
|
||
data-ts="1666281420"
|
||
data-df="ll"
|
||
|
||
>
|
||
Oct 20, 2022
|
||
</time>
|
||
|
||
<h4 class="pt-0 my-2">Killing butterflies</h4>
|
||
<div class="text-muted">
|
||
<p>This is one of the first poems I wrote when I picked up writing again in November last year. I was at the very beginning of the process of coming to terms with my sexuality. I predominantly felt sh...</p>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</a>
|
||
</article>
|
||
|
||
</nav>
|
||
</aside>
|
||
<!-- #related-posts -->
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<!-- Navigation buttons at the bottom of the post. -->
|
||
|
||
<nav class="post-navigation d-flex justify-content-between" aria-label="Post Navigation">
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a
|
||
href="/posts/des-mots-sur-un-muret/"
|
||
class="btn btn-outline-primary"
|
||
aria-label="Older"
|
||
>
|
||
<p>Des mots sur un muret</p>
|
||
</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a
|
||
href="/posts/should-i-be-on-social-media/"
|
||
class="btn btn-outline-primary"
|
||
aria-label="Newer"
|
||
>
|
||
<p>As an artist, should I be on social media?</p>
|
||
</a>
|
||
|
||
</nav>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<!-- The comments switcher -->
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<!-- The Footer -->
|
||
|
||
<footer
|
||
aria-label="Site Info"
|
||
class="
|
||
d-flex flex-column justify-content-center text-muted
|
||
flex-lg-row justify-content-lg-between align-items-lg-center pb-lg-3
|
||
"
|
||
>
|
||
<p>©
|
||
<time>2025</time>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a href="https://courgett.es/@cookie">cookie</a>.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<span
|
||
data-bs-toggle="tooltip"
|
||
data-bs-placement="top"
|
||
title="Except where otherwise noted, the blog posts on this site are licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International (CC BY 4.0) License by the author."
|
||
>Some rights reserved.</span>
|
||
|
||
</p>
|
||
|
||
<p>Using the <a
|
||
data-bs-toggle="tooltip"
|
||
data-bs-placement="top"
|
||
title="v7.1.0"
|
||
href="https://github.com/cotes2020/jekyll-theme-chirpy"
|
||
target="_blank"
|
||
rel="noopener"
|
||
>Chirpy</a> theme for <a href="https://jekyllrb.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Jekyll</a>.
|
||
</p>
|
||
</footer>
|
||
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
|
||
<!-- The Search results -->
|
||
|
||
<div id="search-result-wrapper" class="d-flex justify-content-center d-none">
|
||
<div class="col-11 content">
|
||
<div id="search-hints">
|
||
<!-- The trending tags list -->
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
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|
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|
||
|
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|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<section>
|
||
<h2 class="panel-heading">Trending Tags</h2>
|
||
<div class="d-flex flex-wrap mt-3 mb-1 me-3">
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/emotions/">emotions</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/relations/">relations</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/genre/">genre</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/coming-out/">coming-out</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/journaling/">journaling</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/tech/">tech</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/lecture/">lecture</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/self-acceptance/">self-acceptance</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/writing/">writing</a>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/%C3%A9criture/">écriture</a>
|
||
|
||
</div>
|
||
</section>
|
||
|
||
|
||
</div>
|
||
<div id="search-results" class="d-flex flex-wrap justify-content-center text-muted mt-3"></div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</div>
|
||
|
||
</div>
|
||
|
||
<aside aria-label="Scroll to Top">
|
||
<button id="back-to-top" type="button" class="btn btn-lg btn-box-shadow">
|
||
<i class="fas fa-angle-up"></i>
|
||
</button>
|
||
</aside>
|
||
</div>
|
||
|
||
<div id="mask"></div>
|
||
|
||
|
||
<aside
|
||
id="notification"
|
||
class="toast"
|
||
role="alert"
|
||
aria-live="assertive"
|
||
aria-atomic="true"
|
||
data-bs-animation="true"
|
||
data-bs-autohide="false"
|
||
>
|
||
<div class="toast-header">
|
||
<button
|
||
type="button"
|
||
class="btn-close ms-auto"
|
||
data-bs-dismiss="toast"
|
||
aria-label="Close"
|
||
></button>
|
||
</div>
|
||
<div class="toast-body text-center pt-0">
|
||
<p class="px-2 mb-3">A new version of content is available.</p>
|
||
<button type="button" class="btn btn-primary" aria-label="Update">
|
||
Update
|
||
</button>
|
||
</div>
|
||
</aside>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<!-- JavaScripts -->
|
||
<!-- JS selector for site. -->
|
||
|
||
<!-- commons -->
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<!-- layout specified -->
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<!-- image lazy-loading & popup & clipboard -->
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<script src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/combine/npm/simple-jekyll-search@1.10.0/dest/simple-jekyll-search.min.js,npm/loading-attribute-polyfill@2.1.1/dist/loading-attribute-polyfill.umd.min.js,npm/glightbox@3.3.0/dist/js/glightbox.min.js,npm/clipboard@2.0.11/dist/clipboard.min.js,npm/dayjs@1.11.13/dayjs.min.js,npm/dayjs@1.11.13/locale/en.js,npm/dayjs@1.11.13/plugin/relativeTime.js,npm/dayjs@1.11.13/plugin/localizedFormat.js"></script>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<script src="/assets/js/dist/post.min.js"></script>
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<!-- Pageviews -->
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<!--
|
||
Jekyll Simple Search loader
|
||
See: <https://github.com/christian-fei/Simple-Jekyll-Search>
|
||
-->
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
<script>SimpleJekyllSearch({
|
||
searchInput: document.getElementById('search-input'),
|
||
resultsContainer: document.getElementById('search-results'),
|
||
json: '/assets/js/data/search.json',
|
||
searchResultTemplate: ' <article class="px-1 px-sm-2 px-lg-4 px-xl-0"> <header> <h2><a href="{url}">{title}</a></h2> <div class="post-meta d-flex flex-column flex-sm-row text-muted mt-1 mb-1"> {categories} {tags} </div> </header> <p>{snippet}</p> </article>',
|
||
noResultsText: '<p class="mt-5">Oops! No results found.</p>',
|
||
templateMiddleware: function(prop, value, template) {
|
||
if (prop === 'categories') {
|
||
if (value === '') {
|
||
return `${value}`;
|
||
} else {
|
||
return `<div class="me-sm-4"><i class="far fa-folder fa-fw"></i>${value}</div>`;
|
||
}
|
||
}
|
||
|
||
if (prop === 'tags') {
|
||
if (value === '') {
|
||
return `${value}`;
|
||
} else {
|
||
return `<div><i class="fa fa-tag fa-fw"></i>${value}</div>`;
|
||
}
|
||
}
|
||
}
|
||
});
|
||
</script>
|
||
|
||
</body>
|
||
</html>
|
||
|