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<h1 data-toc-skip>Killing butterflies</h1>
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<p><em>This is one of the first poems I wrote when I picked up writing again in November last year. I was at the very beginning of the process of coming to terms with my sexuality. I predominantly felt shame and confusion.</em>
<em>This poem touches on some experiences from my past that I would not give the same meaning to today, but I wanted to leave its authentic original meaning.</em><br />
<em>It is one of my favorite poems I’ve ever written, as the act of writing it, and telling myself the truth I had been holding back for so long was a cathartic experience.</em></p>
<p>I tried so hard to unsee it<br />
It started long ago<br />
When I looked too long for my own good<br />
I tried to avert my eyes<br />
To look away<br />
But after that, I could never be straight again</p>
<p>You held me tightly<br />
In a way that I felt wasn’t allowed<br />
Do you still think about it sometimes?<br />
Does your brain take you back to this moment, late at night, <br />
and then do you wonder about me, and whether I felt it too?<br />
Because I did, and I do, and I still remember<br />
Because after that<br />
I could never be straight again</p>
<p>I thought I could convince myself<br />
I thought if I tried hard enough to look away<br />
It would disappear</p>
<p>I thought I would never be able to love<br />
I thought I was broken<br />
It just never came<br />
The feeling they talk about in love songs<br />
The butterflies<br />
I didn’t know I had shoved them all in a jar, and put it in a closet and locked it and thrown away the key<br />
I didn’t know that because<br />
Of course I would always be straight</p>
<p>And then I felt them<br />
The butterflies<br />
And it was for a boy<br />
And so it was all right<br />
And maybe I could be straight again</p>
<p>But still I kept looking too long<br />
Still I kept looking too intently<br />
So ashamed<br />
I hid inside myself<br />
Because I knew deep down<br />
That I would never really be straight</p>
<p>When the butterflies were on the verge of dying off someone came <br />
Took my hand and<br />
Showed me that there is nothing wrong<br />
With never being straight at all</p>
<p>And then I felt them once more<br />
The butterflies<br />
And it wasn’t for a boy<br />
And it didn’t feel right, but also it did<br />
And then I wasn’t straight anymore</p>
<p>I tried to close back the jar<br />
I tried to hold them down<br />
The butterflies<br />
But still they kept flying<br />
And I couldn’t catch them all<br />
Because there is no stopping the butterflies<br />
Only waiting for them to pass<br />
And so I will never be straight again</p>
<p>I am not killing butterflies anytime soon<br />
Because holding that jar closed<br />
Takes all the energy that I have</p>
<p>Because I want to live to my fullest <br />
And I need both of my hands to do that</p>
<p>I want to feel their wings brushing my cheeks as I blush<br />
I want to see them dance in the sun when I hold my lover’s hand<br />
I want to feel them hugging my heart when it is about to crack wide open<br />
I don’t want to dim the colors of my heart ever again</p>
<p>Of course I know that there will still be days<br />
When I will be tempted to look away<br />
When I will want to hide<br />
But even then I know<br />
That I will never be straight again</p>
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<h4 class="pt-0 my-2">Why is no one talking about the shame?</h4>
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title="Except where otherwise noted, the blog posts on this site are licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International (CC BY 4.0) License by the author."
>Some rights reserved.</span>
</p>
<p>Using the <a
data-bs-toggle="tooltip"
data-bs-placement="top"
title="v7.1.0"
href="https://github.com/cotes2020/jekyll-theme-chirpy"
target="_blank"
rel="noopener"
>Chirpy</a> theme for <a href="https://jekyllrb.com" target="_blank" rel="noopener">Jekyll</a>.
</p>
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<div class="d-flex flex-wrap mt-3 mb-1 me-3">
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/emotions/">emotions</a>
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/relations/">relations</a>
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/genre/">genre</a>
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/coming-out/">coming-out</a>
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/journaling/">journaling</a>
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/tech/">tech</a>
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/lecture/">lecture</a>
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/self-acceptance/">self-acceptance</a>
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/writing/">writing</a>
<a class="post-tag btn btn-outline-primary" href="/tags/%C3%A9criture/">écriture</a>
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<button id="back-to-top" type="button" class="btn btn-lg btn-box-shadow">
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<aside
id="notification"
class="toast"
role="alert"
aria-live="assertive"
aria-atomic="true"
data-bs-animation="true"
data-bs-autohide="false"
>
<div class="toast-header">
<button
type="button"
class="btn-close ms-auto"
data-bs-dismiss="toast"
aria-label="Close"
></button>
</div>
<div class="toast-body text-center pt-0">
<p class="px-2 mb-3">A new version of content is available.</p>
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Update
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<script src="https://cdn.jsdelivr.net/combine/npm/simple-jekyll-search@1.10.0/dest/simple-jekyll-search.min.js,npm/loading-attribute-polyfill@2.1.1/dist/loading-attribute-polyfill.umd.min.js,npm/glightbox@3.3.0/dist/js/glightbox.min.js,npm/clipboard@2.0.11/dist/clipboard.min.js,npm/dayjs@1.11.13/dayjs.min.js,npm/dayjs@1.11.13/locale/en.js,npm/dayjs@1.11.13/plugin/relativeTime.js,npm/dayjs@1.11.13/plugin/localizedFormat.js"></script>
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<!-- Pageviews -->
<!--
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See: <https://github.com/christian-fei/Simple-Jekyll-Search>
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<script>SimpleJekyllSearch({
searchInput: document.getElementById('search-input'),
resultsContainer: document.getElementById('search-results'),
json: '/assets/js/data/search.json',
searchResultTemplate: ' <article class="px-1 px-sm-2 px-lg-4 px-xl-0"> <header> <h2><a href="{url}">{title}</a></h2> <div class="post-meta d-flex flex-column flex-sm-row text-muted mt-1 mb-1"> {categories} {tags} </div> </header> <p>{snippet}</p> </article>',
noResultsText: '<p class="mt-5">Oops! No results found.</p>',
templateMiddleware: function(prop, value, template) {
if (prop === 'categories') {
if (value === '') {
return `${value}`;
} else {
return `<div class="me-sm-4"><i class="far fa-folder fa-fw"></i>${value}</div>`;
}
}
if (prop === 'tags') {
if (value === '') {
return `${value}`;
} else {
return `<div><i class="fa fa-tag fa-fw"></i>${value}</div>`;
}
}
}
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